Friday, April 17, 2015

Holy Cow! What's This? Angel is BACK? After . . . what? Four Years?

Hello folks.

I know this is weird to abandon a blog for four straight years and then come back as if nothing happened but what can I say? I am back.

Here's what happened:

- Job Loss
- Death
- Cancer
- Divorce

All this is true. I suffered the loss of three dear people. One to suicide, one to cancer, one to a stroke. Then I myself got diagnosed with cancer--which I am in treatment for. I am only 34. Somewhere in the mix I lost my job and my marriage.

In other words, the world of ADULTS rushed in and took over my life. I started to hang around different people. People who made it very clear that being "child-like" isn't cool. The opinions of these people severely affected my inner sense of self. Death and cancer made me feel existentially confused and, frankly, I had no idea what to think about life in general. Did anything matter? Was I important? If I die, what would my life have meant? I went on to study the meaning of life and God and all that. I filled my head full of philosophical erudite junk. I had to know what it was all about.

When you are studying the big questions it is really hard to goof around with toys. Everything went into storage. To pay for a surgery that I didn't have the insurance coverage for, I sold off a large part of my collection.

Things were bad for awhile. Over time I felt I was slipping farther and farther away from who I really was and becoming this orphan-thing. No longer was I light-hearted, goofy and passionate.

But time has this amazing way of bringing us back to ourselves. In time, I ditched all those people who thought my child-like self was shameful. In time I began to slowly started to come back. With the help of good people along the way, I remembered.

Fast forward to today. Things are not only good for me again, they are FAR BETTER than they were when I started this blog. My cancer looks to be in remission, I am in school, I am with the perfect man and I have brought what's left of my toys out of storage.

When I opened the boxes of my old toys I found an emotion there. It was joy. Just light joy. And I came to the conclusion that at times in life there are terrible things at our doors. Things we have no control over. Anxiety is always creeping in, threatening our mental health. We have to constantly prove and re-prove ourselves to spouses, kids, employers and parents. There is competition out there. There is, frankly, a whole lot of evil.

But toys will always be there. Toys will always bring us back to our fundimentals, our childhood. A place where we still believed that we might, if we ran fast enough, find the end of the rainbow.

I did not want to live a life devoid of the simple pleasures of the toys of my youth anymore. People NEED things that eliminate and reduce anxiety. We need things that bring us easy joy.

Remember that scene in Toy Story where Buzz finally flies? He has suffered incredible losses, but he's different now. He is finally a truer version of himself. No more is he burdened down with self-delusion and self-pity. He is flying!

That's me.

We live in a wonderful time. Nerds rule the world. Toy nerds are everywhere. But still there is so much shame in our culture surrounding collecting, child-like things, hoarding, passion over something that won't make you rich, and anything that isn't "done" by the "cool kids."

I reject that shame. I refuse to feel it.

Instead, I will live in this adult world if I have to. But honestly, it will not take all my joys away from me. It won't take my toys.

I'm back!


  1. Congrats on coming back to this blog! I'm sorry for all the pain and loss you've suffered through these last few years. Telling this story took amazing courage and I found it very inspiring and touching. I hope that things will continue to get better and better from here on out.
    I'm very young myself, just barely an adult, but I also have a firm belief that to avoid being swallowed by all the horrible and critical things in this world it is almost vital to hang onto something innocent and even child-like by some's standards to avoid losing hope and a sense of who are. I hope to stay strongly to this conviction and not give in easily to the call for "sensibility" when people are unnerved by my simple delight.
    I'm very excited to see how you will progress with this blog from here and out because I always used to love looking through your archives (I even started my own small old toys collection because of you ^_^). Good luck and keep your toy collection big and your joy bigger!


    Tickle Your Cute Bone

    1. Thank you for the heart-felt reply, MissLadyinLavender! I totally agree! I am glad you are grasping this concept while a young adult as it will serve you well throughout your life!

      And OMG -- love your blog already! I'm gonna spend the morning going through it!

  2. Wow! You have been through a lot girl! I am glad to hear that your cancer is in remission and you are doing well now. You know me from the old Care Bear boards and my website.

    Life has thrown a lot at me as well, but my whirlwind started back in 2009 with the loss of a job due to somebody else's incompetence, followed by the death (by suicide) of my fiance just a short time before our wedding, the loss of another job due to my inability to function after my loss, both of my parents have be diagnosed with stage 4 cancers, and I have had surgery on a "precancerous" growth. I certainly feel your pain!

    It has only been within the last year that I have really started in with my love of Care Bears again and just happened to find my way to your blog again after all these years!

    If you ever need an "anonymous" friend to talk to about everything life has thrown at you, I'm always around!


    P.S. I hope you did not have to sell off your super rare CB poseables!

    P.P.S. We were just talking about you and your massive poseable knowledge the other day in our CB facebook group ;-) Lots of people remember and miss you!

    1. Sarah, I'm so sorry I haven't replied until now! Ugh! Of course I remember you! I would love to find that Facebook group you mentioned. Lots of old friends on those message boards. It was so long ago and I have often wondered where everyone is.

      I can't imagine how tough the death of your fiance must have been for you and all the rest of your trials. I am here for you too and hope things are or will get better. This is why our childhood is really important! It connects us with our best buddy--our self!

      Take care and hope to e-talk to you again!

  3. Here is the link for the Facebook Group that Cary (WishBear) and I run with a couple other "newcomers" to the Care Bear world.