Friday, April 17, 2015
Holy Cow! What's This? Angel is BACK? After . . . what? Four Years?
I know this is weird to abandon a blog for four straight years and then come back as if nothing happened but what can I say? I am back.
Here's what happened:
- Job Loss
All this is true. I suffered the loss of three dear people. One to suicide, one to cancer, one to a stroke. Then I myself got diagnosed with cancer--which I am in treatment for. I am only 34. Somewhere in the mix I lost my job and my marriage.
In other words, the world of ADULTS rushed in and took over my life. I started to hang around different people. People who made it very clear that being "child-like" isn't cool. The opinions of these people severely affected my inner sense of self. Death and cancer made me feel existentially confused and, frankly, I had no idea what to think about life in general. Did anything matter? Was I important? If I die, what would my life have meant? I went on to study the meaning of life and God and all that. I filled my head full of philosophical erudite junk. I had to know what it was all about.
When you are studying the big questions it is really hard to goof around with toys. Everything went into storage. To pay for a surgery that I didn't have the insurance coverage for, I sold off a large part of my collection.
Things were bad for awhile. Over time I felt I was slipping farther and farther away from who I really was and becoming this orphan-thing. No longer was I light-hearted, goofy and passionate.
But time has this amazing way of bringing us back to ourselves. In time, I ditched all those people who thought my child-like self was shameful. In time I began to slowly started to come back. With the help of good people along the way, I remembered.
Fast forward to today. Things are not only good for me again, they are FAR BETTER than they were when I started this blog. My cancer looks to be in remission, I am in school, I am with the perfect man and I have brought what's left of my toys out of storage.
When I opened the boxes of my old toys I found an emotion there. It was joy. Just light joy. And I came to the conclusion that at times in life there are terrible things at our doors. Things we have no control over. Anxiety is always creeping in, threatening our mental health. We have to constantly prove and re-prove ourselves to spouses, kids, employers and parents. There is competition out there. There is, frankly, a whole lot of evil.
But toys will always be there. Toys will always bring us back to our fundimentals, our childhood. A place where we still believed that we might, if we ran fast enough, find the end of the rainbow.
I did not want to live a life devoid of the simple pleasures of the toys of my youth anymore. People NEED things that eliminate and reduce anxiety. We need things that bring us easy joy.
Remember that scene in Toy Story where Buzz finally flies? He has suffered incredible losses, but he's different now. He is finally a truer version of himself. No more is he burdened down with self-delusion and self-pity. He is flying!
We live in a wonderful time. Nerds rule the world. Toy nerds are everywhere. But still there is so much shame in our culture surrounding collecting, child-like things, hoarding, passion over something that won't make you rich, and anything that isn't "done" by the "cool kids."
I reject that shame. I refuse to feel it.
Instead, I will live in this adult world if I have to. But honestly, it will not take all my joys away from me. It won't take my toys.